


Quadrants

by Rockinmuffin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Awkward Teenage Romance, Cultural Misunderstandings, Explicit Language, F/M, Female Reader, Gen, In which you keep accidentally flirting without knowing it, Reader-Insert, so many fish puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 21:23:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10557926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rockinmuffin/pseuds/Rockinmuffin
Summary: Troll romance sure is weird!You, Eridan, and all the quadrants.  All of them.





	1. Kismesis

No matter how hard you try, no matter how many times Karkat has made the attempt to explain it to you in terms that your _inferior human think-pan_ might be able to comprehend, you are confident that you will never be able to fully grasp all the complexities and nuances of troll romance.

That’s why, after a week’s worth of passive-aggressive insults muttered under your breath and eye-rolls at the sad attempts of wooing anything with a pulse, you are at a complete loss when Eridan Ampora suddenly grabs you by the collar of your shirt and pulls you into the most breath-taking and lip-bruising kiss you have ever experienced in your young adult life.

Your brain freezes over from the sheer stupidity of the situation. Everything about it is just _wrong_. You wouldn’t touch Eridan with a ten foot pole. You were under the impression that he had held equal disdain for you; whenever he looked at you he’d always curl his lip, as if your mere presence was enough to leave a bad taste in his mouth.

Then again, maybe you misinterpreted the expression, because he doesn’t seem to have any problem with the way you taste at the moment.

It isn’t until you feel the stinging bite of sharp teeth and the taste of your blood in your mouth that you gain enough good sense to pull back and shove him away with enough strength to send him stumbling backwards.

“Holy Christ, Ampora!” You frantically wipe at your mouth with the back of your forearm. “What in the holy hell was _that_?!”

He just stares at you with a raised brow, looking almost offended by your outburst.

You stare right back, eyes wide and your teeth gnawing on the inside of your cheek. Your gaze flickers down to his lips. You can see droplets of red smeared against his mouth. He doesn’t even have the common decency to wipe it away.

He follows the path your eyes make and opens his mouth in a sharp-toothed smirk, wearing your blood on his face like tribal war paint.

“Seriously, Ampora, _what in the hell_?!”

Eridan rolls his eyes, looking at you as if _you_ are the crazy one.

Yeah, _as if_.

“C’mon, don’t play fuckin’ koi with me. You’ve been givin’ me signals all week.” He crosses his arms over his chest, the corner of his lip quirking into another self-pleased smirk. “Reely, it was kind of embarrassin’ how desperate you came across, but, seain’ how strongly you feel for me, I’m willin’ to give this thing between us a chance.”

You blink. “ _What_.” You blink again, rubbing at your eyelids in an attempt to clear your vision of what must be a trick of your brain-damaged mind. It’s just too damn stupid to be anything else.

...Nope, he’s still there, all flirty smirks and looking pompous as ever-loving fuck.

You massage your temple. All this brain damage is starting to give you a headache.

“Look, Ampora—”

“Eridan.”

“Eridan,” you correct. “Seriously, I have no idea what you’re talking about. What _signals_? We don’t hang out; I don’t think we’ve ever even had a conversation before now. I’ve been nothing but nasty to you since we’ve met and most of that was done _behind your back_. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I’ve actually been kind of a butthole to you for no good reason.” And you’re a little ashamed to admit it, too. Putting it into words makes you realize how unfair and nasty you had been. Yet, the more you confess, the bigger his smirk grows.

“Exactly. It’s pretty obvious you hate me. And you’re irritatin’ enough that I think I could grow to hate you too.” He looks you up and down with dagger-sharp eyes. “Give it time and I think we could have something really black going on between us.”

You raise an eyebrow. What in the name of troll Jesus is he even talking about? He thinks you hate him, so why is he making out with you and talking as if the two of you are about to enter into a serious relationship?

And then it hits you hard like a bucket to the head.

You wave your hands. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute! Is this one of those weird troll romance things that Karkat’s always going on about? Kiss-my-sis, or whatever?”

“Kismesis,” he corrects. “And, yeah, I ‘spose it is.” He flashes another shark-tooth grin at you and you can still see the pink tint of your blood in his mouth. “So how’s about you shut up and get back to kissin’ me already.”

Your head is spinning. There’s just so much that’s _wrong_ about this situation.

It looks like it’s all up to you to set things right.

“Look, Eridan, I can’t be your kismesis. I don’t even hate you.”

“ _What_.” He gives you a look like you just hit him in the stomach. For a second, you think he might cry. Thankfully, he doesn’t, because you don’t know what you’d do if he turns on the waterworks. Well, other than feel like a complete asshole.

Not knowing what else to do, you continue talking. “If anything, I actually feel kind of bad for you. You’re so desperate for any form of attention from anyone that you throw yourself in front of just about everyone you meet. You’re the most pathetic person I’ve ever met and, believe me, I’ve met a lot of sorry suckers in my life.”

His brows furrow. “Pathetic? What exactly are you tryin’ to say?”

“I don’t hate you, Eridan.” You stop to take a deep breath. “I pity you.”

He stares at you, open-mouthed and silent.

“So, I’m sorry if what I was doing was some kind of hate-mance troll-flirting thing, but I could never have those sorts of feelings for you.” You scratch at your cheek, searching for something to say, anything to fill the silence. “I don’t know if humans can even hate in that kind of way.”

You try your best to smile, even though it feels sort of out of place. You don’t want to be meaner than you have to be, especially if being hard on someone means you want to make out with them. Rejecting boys is hard enough back on Earth without all the confusing xenocultural bullshit thrown in the middle.

“I’m sorry for the misunderstanding and I hope that we can put all of this behind us and start out fresh.”

When he continues to stare at you wordlessly, you shuffle your feet a bit before waving your fingers in an awkward goodbye and stomping off in a hasty retreat.

Still, as you scurry away, you can’t quite understand why Eridan has such a dopey looking smile on his face. Whatever. It’s not like it’s your problem anymore.

Troll romance sure is weird.


	2. Matesprit

It’s been about a day since the incident with Eridan. At least, you think it’s been a day. It’s hard to take note of the passage of time when you’re living on a meteor floating about in the middle of dark space. It’s been long enough for you to have a solid cycle of sleep, at least.

You were hoping you could just put the whole thing behind you, but that’s easier said than done. Apparently you’d been flirting with this guy for a while and you hadn’t even known it. What other sorts of romantic troll overtures have you been making? Man, as if adolescent romance isn’t hard _enough_ , now you can’t so much as scratch your sweaty ass-crack without worrying that you’re performing some kind of racy alien mating ritual.

You move about the meteor aimlessly, shuffling from room to room with hands deep in your pockets and mind even deeper in thought.

 _HONK_!

“Holy hell!”

With your shoulders tense and your hand over your heart, you slowly lift up your foot. The action is followed by a much quieter, wheezing _hooooonk_. When you look down you see a bike horn on the ground. Question: what kind of inconsiderate asshole just leaves a horn lying around on the ground?

Answer: the same kind of asshole who makes a giant pile of them and lies around on that pile like the useless piece of juggalo trash he is. Fuckin’ clown asshole.

You pick up the horn and chuck it towards Gamzee. Unfortunately, your aim is shit, and it veers off towards the left to land harmlessly beside him with a gentle _honk_.

After about six seconds pass, Gamzee’s eyes widen in delayed reaction. He lifts his head to look in the direction of where the horn was thrown from and smiles lazily when he spots you. The smile soon droops when he notices the sour expression you’re giving him.

“Man, chica, you’re looking all sorts of fucking troubled. Why don’t you lounge over here and spill the motherfucking beans about what’s got your think-pan all up and fried.”

“Uh, thanks Gamzee, but I’m just fine over here.”

“Fine?” He shakes his head, long tufts of tangled hair flopping everywhere. “Nah, sis, I may be a few outdoor lawn ring maintenance devices short of a lawn-ring maintenance device storage unit, but it don’t take no motherfucikn’ genius to see that you’re fifty fuckin’ shades of blue.”

You blink. “What the hell does that even _mean_?”

“It means you gotta’ get your ass over here and lay some hard-hittin’ truth on me, sister!” Gamzee pats a spot on the pile next to him, resulting in a thundering chorus of _honk_ s.

You stare deeply into the darkened drug-dazed abyss that is Gamzee’s stony gaze and you know there’s no use arguing with him. Logic means nothing to this drugged-up shit-lord so it’s not even worth the effort trying to fight him. With a deep sigh, you relent, plopping yourself down into an uncomfortable pile of metal and rubber and ear-piercing honks.

“So tell me,” he takes a long pause to chug from his bottle of shitty soda, “What are them wicked-ass thoughts that’s been skulking around your think pan like some kinda’ bitch-tittin’ bad thought ninja?”

“Most days you have trouble remembering how many fingers you have, so how in the hell do you even come up with those ridiculous metaphors?”

He just blinks dazedly, awaiting your answer.

You let out a deep sigh, combing your hair through your fingers. Best to go straight to the root of your problems. “So, apparently I’ve been leading Eridan on for who-knows-how-long.”

“Yeah,” he laughs, “I know.”

“What?! How could you have possibly known?!”

Seriously, the fact that _Gamzee_ of all people knew something was up when you had no idea is enough to knock your ego back a couple pegs. It’s downright embarrassing! This guy is infamously known for being oblivious to the world around him and yet he’s in the know and you’re the one caught unawares with your head shoved straight up your asshole and your fist wrapped tightly around Eridan’s rage-boner.

Fucking _damn it_.

Gamzee blinks slowly. “Shit sis, it ain’t no fuckin’ secret. The two of you been shooting spades at each other for weeks now. Y’all got black tension so slimy and thick a motherfucker could bake some premium pie with that grade-A shit.”

“But that’s just it! I didn’t know I was doing anything romantic.” You tug at your hair. “I just thought I was being a jerk! Before I knew it, he was making out with me.”

He closes his eyes and nods sagely. “Ain’t nothin’ wrong about getting your sloppy makeouts on with your kismesis.”

“Damn it, are you even listening, you brain-damaged clown asshole? He’s not my _anything_! I didn’t even know I was flirting with him at the time!” You cross your arms over your chest. “Humans don’t generally want to swap spit with the person who pisses them off, you know.”

“Nah?” Gamzee flops his head back as he releases a heavy sigh. “Motherfuck, humans are weird as shit.”

“It’s you trolls that are weird, damn it.” You flop down on your back next to him, face buried in your hands. “Why did he have to go and kiss me?”

“So, it’s true!” You barely flinch as Nepeta pounces from her hiding spot behind the horn pile, much too used to this ridiculous brand of bullshit by now. She lands between you and Gamzee with a thundering _HONK_ that makes your ears ring. Her eyes sparkle as she stares down at you with a cattish grin. “You and mister Ampurra really _did_ share the most caliginous of kisses~!”

You scowl, pinky finger digging into your left eardrum. “Has anyone ever told you it’s rude to eavesdrop on people’s private conversations?”

“Only when I get caught. And I only get caught when I _want_ to get caught.” She grins a toothy smile. “So, you and Eridan, huh?”

“Yeah, well, don’t bother updating your shipping wall. I _definitely_ don’t want to hate-date Eridan and I made that fact _explicitly_ clear to him. So clear, in fact, that there’s absolutely no possible way he could ever think the two of us will ever share any quadrant together, _ever_.”

And that’s about the time that Eridan comes in, moving about the room like he’s walking on goddamn sunshine. He spots you and grins the biggest, most shit-eatingest grin you’ve ever seen in your entire life before he starts walking your way.

Crud. You were hoping you’d be able to avoid him a little longer. _Christ on a cracker_ , what else can possibly go wrong with the poorly-written melodrama that is your life?

“Hey,” he says, flashing a smile that comes off as slightly less arrogant than his usual grins.

“Uh,” you sit up. “Hi, Eridan.” He continues to smile at you, making it clear that he doesn’t plan on leaving any time soon. Slowly, you scoot your butt off the horn pile, wincing at every resounding _honk_ until your feet are safely on the ground. 

You scratch your cheek, mindful of two pairs of eyes watching you none-too-subtly from their perches on the pile. Well, mostly just Nepeta’s glowing predator eyes. You’re not sure if Gamzee’s dazed gaze is registering anything in front of him or if he’s daydreaming about fucking a pie tin.

“Look,” you force out, trying to break the awkward silence. “I just wanted to apologize again for the way I acted before. It was rude and immature and not only should I have known better, but you deserved to be treated better than that.”

“Oh, you don’t gotta apologize or nuffin’.” He waves a hand nonchalantly. “Water under the bridge.”

“Ah,” you let out a sigh of relief, “That’s good to hear. I’m a little surprised you’re taking this so well, Eridan.”

“Reely,” he continues, “It was my mistake. I should’a known a human wasn’t tryin’ to initiate any sort of caliginous relationship. After all, you guys only have one type of romance and it’s about as red as red can be.”

“Good, good.” You rub your arm absentmindedly. “I’m glad there’s no hard feelings between us.”

“Of course not. After all,” he grins toothily, “How could a guy be upset when a girl as cute as you pities him?”

“Uhhh…” Well, you can think of a few reasons, but—weirdness aside—you see no point in bursting his bubble when he’s in such an uncharacteristically good mood.

“So,” he continues as if you hadn’t just opened your mouth to groan out nonsense, “I was sinkin’, maybe we could hang out today or somefin’. Get to know each other. Ya know, if you got nuffin’ better to do.”

“I dunno…” you drawl, eyes darting to the side while your brain searches for an excuse.

You still feel anxious about the make-out and unrequited troll feelings, but he doesn’t seem to be acting like he wants to hate-date you. He’s being surprisingly chill. No, scratch that; he’s just being a normal guy. Is this what he’s like when he doesn’t think someone hates his guts? You know so little about him, it’s hard to say. You never even _attempted_ to get to know him before; you’d just treated him like a schmuck based off of things you had heard about him.

Maybe you should actually give him a chance.

Mind made up, you shrug your shoulders and flash a half-smile. “Yeah, okay, I don’t see why not.”

“Cool.” He leans back on his heels, hands stuffed deep in his pockets. “So I’ll be hangin’ around in my respiteblock. You can meet me there when you’re ready to hang.”

“Sure, I’ll do that.”

“Good. That’s good.” He waves. “Sea ya’ later!”

“Yeah,” you wave back awkwardly and instantly feel stupid for it. “See you in a bit.”

He retreats slowly, walking backwards and maintaining eye contact, waving a couple fingers tentatively every few seconds. You watch with a raised brow as he scurries off until he’s completely out of sight.

Nepeta leers at you, fangs poking out from a tight-lipped smile.

You frown at her. “What?”

Her grin just widens.

“ _What_?!”

“No wonder you were so adamant about being his kismesis; now it’s clear to me that your feelings for him are full-blown red!”

You stare her down with a deadpan expression. “What in the hell are you going on about now?”

She rolls her eyes. “Don’t purrtend nothing happened! I just saw you two have the most uncomfurtable flirt fest I have ever seen. And these eyes have seen _a lot_.”

“What? _No_. That was just two cool dudes being friend-bros. Like me and Gamzee.”

Gamzee, hearing his name, lifts his head just long enough to give a lazy salute before flopping back down on the pile.

“Do you and Gamzee have purreciously awkward conversations about making tentative plans to hang out together?”

“No, but that’s mostly because it’s hard to get Gamzee to carry any sort of coherent conversation, even on a good day. Ain’t that right, Gamzee?” you call over your shoulder.

Gamzee’s head lolls vaguely towards the direction of your voice. “Huh? You talkin’ to me, chica?”

You turn back to Nepeta, arms folded in front of your chest. “See?”

“Obviously you don’t have enough experience with relationships to understand when you’re pursuing one.” She rests her chin against her hands. “Eridan mentioned you pitied him.”

“Well, yeah. After the whole hate-snog fiasco, I told him I thought he was pathetic and said I pitied him right to his face.”

Nepeta covers her face up with her palms before releasing a long, drawn-out sigh.

You realize you’re missing something. “Oh no, what have I done _this time_?”

“You confessed your love for him is what you did! In the bluntest way imaginable.” She buries her face deeper in her hands, cheeks flushing a soft olive green. “You might as well have asked him to human marry you!”

“But I didn’t say anything about love.”

Nepeta peeks out from between her fingers. “We’re trolls. We never even heard the word _love_ before talking to you humans. The closest translation to your understanding of the word would be what we call pity.”

“That’s stupid.”

“ _You’re_ stupid,” she scoffs.

“So,” you begin slowly, realization dawning on you, “I booted Eridan out of one quadrant while simultaneously inviting him to jump into another.”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Oh no.” You grip your hair at the roots, pacing back and forth as you tug and tug. “Oh no, no, no, no, _no_. This is _not_ happening.”

“It totally is. When it comes to being oblivious about romance, you are simply the best there is.”

“Nepeta, you’re not helping.” You let go of your hair, your scalp raw from all the tugging. “Okay, so maybe I blundered myself into another weird troll romantic confession, but just because Eridan thinks I’m in love with him doesn’t mean he returns those feelings. I mean, he was initiating a hate-relationship before so there’s no possible way his feelings could flip that fast, right?” 

You turn to Nepeta for some form of confirmation.

Instead, the troll girl wiggles her eyebrows at you. “Grrrrl, if he was any redder for you, Terezi would be licking his face and calling him delicious.”

“Damn it.” You slap your palm to your face.

You stand there dumbly for a moment, ignoring whatever Nepeta is babbling on about before you come to the decision to nip this in the bud before things get out of control. You take a deep breath before walking away, only one destination in mind.

“Where are you going?” Nepeta mewls after you.

“To make things right,” you call over your shoulder.

As you walk, you think about what you’re going to say to set things straight. You have several imaginary conversations in your head, most of them going along the lines of, _Hey, remember when I confessed my troll love to you? Haha, JK._ You scowl to yourself. There’s no way to do this without someone’s feelings getting hurt.

Before you’re ready, you find yourself staring at the door to Eridan’s room. A part of you wants to just stand there and prolong this moment for as long as possible. Another part of you wants to get it over with. A third and final part of you wants to go to the bathroom. In the end, you listen to the second part, mostly because there’s no bathroom close by.

You’ve barely tapped your knuckles against the door before it swings wide open, Eridan greeting you with a sharp-toothed shark grin. When he see’s your startled expression, he tones the smile down a bit, lips sealed but the corners of his mouth still curled. He steps back to let you enter, which you do with all the cautiousness of a frightened deer.

“Welcome to my little home away from home.” His arm sweeps out in a grandiose gesture that would look much more impressive if he was presenting something other than his shitty room on the shitty meteor with shitty ocean-themed knickknacks strewn all across it. Still, you have to admire his enthusiasm.

“I like what you’ve done with the place.” You force a smile. “It’s very…nautical.”

“Thanks. Let me give you the grand tour.” He points to a pile of sharp-looking objects. “That’s my stupid fake magic wand pile. And that’s my pile of doomsday devices,” he says, pointing to another pile of sharp-looking objects.

“Nice.”

“Please,” he says, still gesturing to the piles, “Make yourself comfortable.”

Not wanting to be rude, you find the flattest, least-pointy spot on the second pile and carefully seat yourself. You wince at _something_ digging into the tender meat of your ass-cheek but do your best to hide your discomfort from the strange alien boy with strange alien customs.

He elegantly seats himself next to you. Well, as elegantly as a guy can sit himself on a huge pile of junk.

You jump as you feel his hand grip your shoulder.

“I’m glad you came,” he says, hand gently squeezing. His face slowly hovers closer and closer and his eyes start to shut and he looks like he’s thinking about kissing you.

You pick up his hand and gently brush it off your shoulder. He looks at you with hurt eyes and you take a deep breath as you mentally prepare yourself to start the conversation you came here to have with him in the first place.

You exhale that breath before speaking. “I think there’s been another misunderstanding between us.”

Eridan stares back at you, looking confused and kind of hopeless. “You said you pitied me.”

“Look, Eridan, pity is a very different feeling for humans than it is for trolls.”

“So, what are you sayin’?” He bites his lip. “Pity’s not romantic for humans?”

“Weeeeeell,” you scratch the back of your neck, “It’s not _entirely_ exclusive from romantic relationships, but it’s never associated with anything good. Like, back on Earth, we had something called _pity dates_ but it generally meant that the romantic feelings of the first person were unrequited and the person feeling pity was just throwing the other person a bone. We see relationships based on pity as highly unhealthy and always doomed for failure.”

“So, when you said you pitied me, it was an insult?” He wrings his cape through his hands, unsure what else to do with them.

“I just don’t feel any sort of romantic inclination toward you.” You can’t believe you’re having this conversation all over again. “I’m sorry for leading you on again. But in my defense, troll relationships are really, _really_ weird.”

Eridan doesn’t say anything. He just looks down at his lap and bites his lip and, shit, you can’t see his face but you hope he’s not crying because you already feel like the biggest fucking douchebag in the universe. You’re the asshole. It’s you.

You struggle for something, _anything_ , to say. “I’m sure one day we’ll be able to look back on this whole mess and laugh.”

His shoulders slump. “Yeah. This is all so fuckin’ _hilarious_.”

“I didn’t mean…” you trail off because you’re not entirely sure _what_ you meant.

“I think you should go.”

Before you know it, you’re ushered out the room and the door is slammed shut behind you. You feel like you should knock on the door again, call after him, _something_ , but even if you thought you _could_ get him to open the door, you don’t really know what you’d say.

You lean back against the door and slump down all the way to the floor.

Troll romance fucking _sucks_.


	3. Auspice

Sollux and Feferi watch as you collapse onto the table, slamming your skull on its surface with enough force to shake not only the table but the ground beneath their feet.

Sollux flashes a fanged grin. “Having fun?”

You don’t even bother to lift your face from the table. “If I have to have one more awkward conversation with Eridan, I think I’m going to kill someone. Probably myself.”

“Shell me about it!” Feferi leans over the table. “The two of us were moirails since we first hatched. Six long sweeps we were together and through it all he was needy, demanding, self-centered, and obsessed with annihilating all life on land.”

You raise your head at that last bit.

Feferi sees your concerned look and backpedals a little bit. “Don’t get me wrong, he cared about me and all; not every guy would go out of their way to hunt down other Lusii to help me feed Gl’bgolyb. He’s not as bad as he makes himself out to be but the fact of the matter is that he just didn’t make a very good moirail.”

“Plus, he’s a total douche canoe,” Sollux adds.

Feferi narrows her eyes and purses her lips but doesn’t argue his point.

“Feferi, how could you stand being in a relationship with Eridan for as long as you did?” You can’t be in a room with Eridan for ten minutes without causing some kind of relationship disaster and yet this girl was with him her whole life. It gives you a headache just thinking about it.

“Whaaaaale,” she drawls as she rests her chin in her hands, “I was in one of the non-caliginous quadrants, which is mildly less exhausting. But, as much as I complain, he’s reely not all that bad! It might not have worked out between the two of us, but Eridan’s still a good troll deep down and I still care aboat him.”

You raise an eyebrow. “If he’s not so bad then why’d you break up with him?”

“We just weren’t good for beach other. Keeping Eridan in line was just so difficult and time-consuming for me that I began resenting him for it. And his red feelings for me meant he wasn’t the best moirail material, either, because he was more focused on getting into another quadrant than fulfilling the role of the quadrant he was already in. It just wasn’t healthy for either of us.” She heaves her shoulders with a heavy sigh. She looks tired and a little bit sad. “In the end, we both just wanted something that the other couldn’t give. I was able to accept that and move on while Eridan, well… _Not so much_.”

You let out a quiet huff of air. “Sounds like Eridan is a piece of work in any quadrant, huh?”

Sollux scoffs. “That’s an understatement.”

Feferi looks like she wants to say something in Eridan’s defense, lips pouting and eyebrows furrowed, but she never gets the chance. Not when Karkat comes barging into the room, small feet stomping and colorful curses spouting from his mouth-hole like water gushing from a broken fire hydrant.

When he catches sight of you, he stops mid-step, eyes narrowed and curses monetarily halted. 

“You!” Karkat’s finger shakes in tightly constrained rage as it points in your direction.

“Me?” you blink back, pointing your index finger at yourself.

“Yes, _you_. Thanks to you, that fish-fried sack of excrement is going around picking fights with every sad chump he crosses paths with. Right now he’s waxing black for Gamzee of all people. Fucking _Gamzee_! That stoned clown asshole is as capable at a black romance as I am at sprouting cluck-beast feathers and laying a goddamn egg on this four-legged eating contraption.”

You stare back at Karkat blankly, eyes half-lidded and a single eyebrow raised. “And this is my fault, how?”

“Because you’re a no-good shit-eating quadrant-teasing fuckass!”

“How was I supposed to know?!”

“Because any idiot who doesn’t consider repeatedly slamming their cranial think-pan shield against the concrete a goddamn vacation would have known. You could not have been any more shameless with your black flirting and then your textbook red confession. You are literally the scummiest romantic partner a person can be.”

You roll your eyes and cross your arms. “It’s not my fault trolls are weird.”

“That ignorant heap of racist hoof-beast shit squeezing out your nutrient hole is _not_ helping your case.” He drags his fingers over his face. “Just go set things right, you prejudiced bag of human waste.”

“Aww man,” you whine because you are _not_ ready to talk to Eridan again so soon. “Can’t you just ask Kanaya to take care of this? She’s way better at handling this kind of stuff.”

“No, you seed-flap-sniffing taint-lord. Kanaya can’t do it because this is your fucking mess to clean up and she’s not your goddamn maid!” He grabs hold of your ear and you have no choice but to stand up out of your chair lest you have Karkat rip your ear clean off. “Now go set things straight with that douchey fish asshole before he makes an even bigger ass out of himself than usual.”

“Fine, I will! Just let go!”

Surprisingly, he does.

You rub your ear, eyeing Karkat with a scowl. “That fuckin’ _hurt_ , by the way.”

“Just go already!” he screeches, claws held up in a threatening pinching fashion.

“I’m going, I’m going!”

You make your way toward the direction Karkat all but shoved you in, rubbing at your ear as you move. It’s still a little sore, though not as sore as your pride. Where does Karkat get off bossing you around like that and making you take responsibility for the consequences of your actions? He might be right but he doesn’t have to be such a jerk about it.

You turn the corner just in time to overhear what has to be the stupidest most one-sided bullshit argument you’ve ever heard.

“I fuckin’ hate your dopey clown smile.”

“Heh, yeah,” Gamzee lazily shrugs his shoulders, “I guess it is kind of dopey-looking.”

“Coddamnit, Gam, you’re not ‘sposed to agree with me! You’re the absolute worst at this.”

“Shit, bro, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t fuckin’ apologize! You’re making it worse!”

“Haha, my bad, man.”

Eridan slaps his hand across his forehead. “You fuckin’—”

“Hey you two, cut that out!” You charge in and promptly deliver a slap to the back of both of their heads. Eridan scowls as he rubs the back of his skull. Gamzee just dazedly looks back at you with his usual glass-eyed look as if he didn’t even register the blow. “You’re both acting like a of couple dumbass shit-bag children! Well, mostly just Eridan is acting like a dumbass shit-bag child. Gamzee, you mostly just look confused.”

“Ha! You bet your sweet ass I am, chica.”

“Hey, Gamzee, why don’t you go back and check on Karkat. He seemed kind of worried about you when I talked to him.”

“Shit, that is _so_ Kar-bro,” the douchebaggy clown piece-of-shit laughs. “Motherfucker is always getting his panic on when his best fucking friends are in need. Little dude’s got a big-ass fucking blood-gusher.”

When Gamzee finally stumbles away out of sight, you turn your full attention to Eridan. You put your hands on your hips and stare him down with a rarely-used expression of yours that you like to call _The Disappointed Parent_.

He glares back. “What do you fuckin’ want?”

“Eridan, why were you picking a fight with Gamzee?”

“None of your business.”

You take a deep breath and let out a long, drawn-out sigh. “Look, Eridan, I get that these past couple of days have been a confusing emotional rollercoaster ride for you because of me, but that doesn’t mean you can be some kind of a weird flirty asshole to Gamzee. It’s not Gamzee’s fault that I suck at talking to trolls.”

He scowls at that. “No, you _don’t_ get it. You don’t even understand half of what I say to you so don’t pretend as if you can even begin to understand how I feel.”

You wince in guilt. “Eridan, I’m sorry.”

“Whatever.”

The moment he turns to leave, you grab him by the sleeve of his shirt. He glares at your hand but you keep your grip strong and firm.

This time, you refuse to let him run away. Not before you set things right.


	4. Moirail

Eridan stares you down with daggers in his eyes. “Let go.”

“No.”

“I said let go.”

“And I said no,” you tell him, expression firm and fingers tightening around the fabric of his shirt sleeve. “I’m not going to let go. Not until we work this out.”

His eyes narrow. “I don’t want to have anything to do with you right now.”

“And I don’t want to be walking on eggshells whenever I’m in the same room as you so we’re going to sit here and talk this out right now so that we can put all this silly nonsense behind us.”

“Nonsense? So that’s what you think this all is? Just a bunch’a _nonsense_ , huh?”

You open your mouth to respond but Eridan cuts you off before you have the chance.

“What am I sayin’? _Of course_ that’s what you think.” He laughs, but there’s no joy in the sound. It’s just condescending and sad and laced with self-loathing. “People care so little about me that I really shouldn’t be so surprised to hear that the things that matter to me mean absolutely nothing to you.”

“Eridan…”

He tugs against your grip but you hold on tight and true. You hear a broken-sounding sob and when you look up into his eyes there are angry purple tears streaming down Eridan’s face. Your grip softens, but you don’t quite let go.

This time, when Eridan pulls himself from your grip, you let him.

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to know that you’re nothing to the people around you?” Tears drip down his chin and stain his shirt but he makes no move to wipe them. “To know that no one even cares enough to either love or hate you? To be nothing more to the people around you than an annoyance? A waste of space? A running joke, at best?”

In that moment you realize this boy, as alien to you his appearance and culture may be, has the same feelings and insecurities as any other person you’ve known. He’s not just some pervert obsessed with being in a relationship or some high-brow snob that thinks he’s better than everyone else. He’s just a kid; a kid that wants to be loved and accepted for who he is.

You feel something stir in your chest, some emotion that you don’t quite have a name for; it’s a mix of pity and empathy with maybe just a touch of fondness. You think you might be starting to see Eridan for who he really is.

You take a step towards the young troll boy. The tears have stopped falling from his eyes but wet streaks still shine bright along his cheeks.

“I’m an idiot,” he laughs that sad laugh of his again as he runs his hand through his hair. “I’m such a stupid, fuckin’ _idiot_. I don’t know why but, for some reason, I thought maybe you were different. I thought that maybe you would understand, but you don’t.”

You watch as Eridan leans back against the wall and slinks down until he’s on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chin and his face in his hands.

“You don’t understand,” he says, voice muffled behind his palms. “You don’t understand a damn thing.”

You move to stand next to him, back against the same wall he’s slumped against and hands tucked in your pockets. You look down at his curled up form for a long moment while you try and think of the right thing to say.

After a long stretch of time of silent thinking, you realize that there _is_ no right thing to say. You settle for just saying the first thing that comes to mind.

“You’re right.”

He moves his hands from his face to look up at you but remains silent.

“You’re right,” you continue, “I really don’t understand. I don’t understand how you feel or what you’re going through, but I think I want to. I might not know how you feel; I may _never_ truly understand what you’re going through; but I can at least try.”

Eridan scowls. “You’re not just saying that because you feel sorry for me, are you?”

“Nah.” You wince, but smile through it. The comment stings a bit but you can hardly blame the guy for being suspicious after the way you’ve treated him, accident or not. “I’m saying it because I mean it. I really want to get to know you. Not as a kiss-my-sis or a may-sprite or whatever the heck you trolls call it. I want to get to know you as a person.”

Eridan watches you warily as you bend down until you’re eye-level with him.

“So let’s start over.” You hold out your hand. “Hi Eridan, it’s nice to meet you. I hope we can overcome any awkward xeno-cultural misunderstandings we’ll inevitably face because I’d really like to be your friend.”

He stares at your hand for a moment before reaching out and grasping it with his own. A small smile quirks the corner of his lips. “Likewise.”

You squeeze his hand and smile when you feel him squeezing back.

He may be cold-blooded but his hand feels warm in yours.


End file.
